Stupid Human TricksMar22

You know what I miss? David Letterman’s old Top Ten Lists. Hands down, those were my favorite part of late night TV. I know that others have stepped in to try to fill the void. Bill Maher has his “New Rules” and Jimmy Kimmel has the often-entertaining “Mean Tweets” but, to me, David Letterman will always be the original king of the recurring hilarious late night bit.

I mean, who can forget the Top Ten Things That Sound Cool When Said By Snoop Dogg? And the Top Ten Reasons Homer Simpson Should Be President. Or my all-time personal fave: Top Ten California Names.

So in honor of Letterman and out of a wealth of nostalgia that popped up unexpectedly over the weekend, I hereby offer you my own top 10 list…

Top Ten Ways To Alienate A Potential Investor

10. Spend the first 35 minutes of a call or meeting talking about your bio.

9. “I assume you’ve reviewed our pitch book in advance of this call…”

8. Inability to make polite small talk in lieu of laser-like need to focus on your investment product.

7. Interrupting conversations at conferences and/or staring from two feet away until said investor is so uncomfortable they interrupt their own conversation to acknowledge you.

6. Literally not knowing anything about the investor before you approach them.

5. Two words: Wardrobe malfunction (true stories, but better told over adult beverages than in a blog).

4. Ignoring time zones/weekends/holidays when calling.

3. Mansplaining why an investor’s reasoned conclusion is wrong.

2. Lying, and yes, this includes “gilding the lily.”

1. Saying “I’m not going to go through each slide.” And then going through each slide.